Story 23: Dinner with Elmo

Last week, I attended the Sesame Workshop's 10th Annual Gala for raising money and being fancy and stuff. Naturally, the Muppets were there: Cookie Monster (who is my muppet alter ego as we share "gluttony" as our favorite deadly sin), Zoe (who doesn't think my jewelry is fancy enough), Abby Cadabby (who tells me magic doesn't solve matters of the heart), Oscar the Grouch (Spoiler Alert: Oscar and Big Bird are the same puppeteer), and Elmo. Oh, Elmo. Dinner with Elmo is a lot like dinner with Elvio, the 90-year-old man I met in Italy. There is a huge age difference between us (Elmo is three-years-old). He, too, had no idea what I'm talking about. And, at the end of our conversation, he also sang to me. I hate to be a pest, but I must also point out the obvious alliteration in their names: Elvio, Elmo. These things just don't happen on their own. Best two dinner dates of my life and their names euphonically sync? I would be crazy to think that the fates and the fairies ruling my destiny weren't up to something.

While I figure out what that something is, I want you all to enjoy my interviews with the Sesame Street Muppets.

Can you share some of your best barrette styling tips with us?

Well, this is very fancy. It was, like, a quarter. It cost me 25 cents, can you believe it? And this one was, like, uh,  I think it was more expensive. It was, like, 30 cents.

Where do you get your barrettes?

I find them on the street, wherever people have dropped them because they don’t like them any more. But, they complement my necklace and my bracelets. Do you have any bracelets on, Angelina?

No. I don’t.

Oh, you poor thing. You don’t have enough money to buy a bracelet? Do you want one of mine?

No. Thank you.

You don’t like them? I was sharing.

Thank you for sharing, but I don’t want to take your stuff.

We learn that on Sesame Street not to be a pig and share.

Do you have any bling on at all?

(I show her my rings)

Whoa! Stand back! That must’ve cost at least a dollar.

What’s the best jewelry to wear with a tutu?

Ballet jewelry. Anything that’s shiny. See, I got shiny stuff in my hair. All those dancers wear shiny things and you have to remember to wear your toe shoes. They’re a little clumpy looking but they get me where I have to go.

Why didn’t you wear a gown for tonight’s event?

This is my gown. What do you mean? I don’t get anything fancier than this. Are you wearing a tutu? No! This is very fancy. I’ll bet you none of the other girls are wearing tutus. I’ll bet you I’m the only one here tonight that’s going to wear a tutu. All these ladies aren’t wearing tutu’s. Zack (cameraman) is wearing a tutu under his suit. He’s wearing a black tutu.

What’s the best thing you’ve ever found in a garbage can?

Grungetta, my girlfriend.

Since you’re over 40 now, do you think it’s time to propose to Grungetta?

Not a chance.

Why?

We might spoil a good thing.

Are you scared Slimey will get jealous?

Worms don’t get jealous very much, but he might.

So, is 40 really the new 30?

Oh, yeah.

Why is that?

Well, about 30 years ago on the show, I was 42 so that still makes me 43 now.

What’s the best thing about being 40, Oscar?

You can still get dates.

What’s the best thing about being a fairy in training?

Well, first of all, you get to try again. Like, my teacher, Ms. Sparklenose, she thinks if you make a mistake, it’s almost a good thing, because you can learn things twice. You can learn from your mistakes and you get how to do it right. I love hanging out on Sesame Street. I love figuring out what you should use magic for and what you should use listen and be a good friend for. Because magic doesn’t solve everything. That’s what I’m learning a lot of.

What doesn’t magic solve?

You know, matters of the heart. It’s true.

Why? Do you have a fairy love interest?

WHAT?! I’M FOUR! Um, like do I have a crush on somebody? No, I don’t. Elmo and I are just friends. I guess people think that, but no, I don’t have a crush on anyone.

What kind of powers do you want as you get older?

Oh, wow. I would love… I always wanted the power to be able to heal people, but mostly I want the power to let children know to love who they and never have to think about anything but their truths and who they are inside. So, mostly, the power of trust and confidence.

What’s harder to learn: Dragonfly or Spanish?

Spanish. Rosita is teaching me Spanish, but because I have wings, I know Dragonfly. Like, flap-flap-flatter-flap means “hello.”

Are you tired of being tickled?

No. Elmo loves being tickled. It’s the best thing in the world. It’s the best medicine.

Were you jealous that Cookie Monster got to host Saturday Night Live and you didn’t?

No. He was good, wasn’t he? We all watched. All of Elmo’s family watched.

Did you give Katy Perry permission to wear an Elmo shirt when she hosted the show?

No! Elmo saw that. It was so funny. She’s very funny.

Which show would you like to host?

America’s Got Talent.

Why?

Because that would be really cool. Lots of talented people on there.

What advice would you give them?

Nothing. Just do your best.

What about the daily show? Jon Stewart is here.

Elmo would love to co-host for Mr. Stewart. He’s cool. He’s always fun.

If you could replace one word with “elmo” what would that word be?

“LOVE!”

Who do you want to work with next?

Barbra Streisand, because she can sing beautifully. Elmo would love to do a duet with her.  [Sings] “You don’t bring me flowers…. Any more.”

Cookie Monster: The closest thing I would get to a soul mate. I think he had similar sentiments as it looks like he was trying to grab my boob in this picture. Or, more likely, devour it.