(Uhh, I am already half-way through the bag)
(See the little specks of butter flavoring?)
My mid-20s have been fantastically awkward, and as I bravely face a new box under age-related questions, I can't myself from writing an Esquire-like 27 things I've learned in 27 years.
1. With no diet or exercise, I, too, can be a size two... if I purchase the size-two stretchy pants from Anne Taylor Loft.
2. I met Elizabeth Hurley on a Monday night; she commented on my outfit, "I see you didn't make much effort tonight." (It was a "Hot Pink Party." I, naturally, wore beige.) I met Diane Keaton the very next day; she commented on my outfit, "You look lovely tonight." I now know why Diane Keaton is so effing rad.
3. Diane Keaton told me her best on-screen kiss was Jack Nicholson. This explains why I once watched Something's Gotta Give three times in a row and, then, contemplated a fourth showing.
4. Free People owns Urban Outfitters. Those two make up about 95 percent of my wardrobe. I am now mid-negotiations to give them a percentage of my paycheck for a monthly shipment of all things flowy and doomed-to-be unstylish in a year.
5. I hate pants. People usually remember you when you hate pants.
6. I want a tattoo. I said, "When I get published, I'll get a sentence of that article tattooed on me." I'm now published with no tattoo, so I revised my inked ambitions: When I get a book deal, I'll get a sentence tattooed on me.
7. I love Bill Cunningham. I wish he wanted to be my friend.
8. I went on a Facebook hiatus for 18 months, during which I preached the joys of the Facebook-free life. I'm back now but when I leave again, I'll have one more thing to preach about: Longer battery life on your phone.
9. Another joy of a Facebook-free life: You won't remember how skinny you used to be. I peaked at 24.
10. I'm still trying to understand why Frankie Sputino's would take the eggplant parm off their menu.
11. Dr. Seuss was turned down by 27 publishers before selling his first book. I take this as a good sign to return to writing in my 27th year.
12. The Finnish word "Pilkunnussija" literally translates to "comma fucker," or a person who believes it is their destiny to stamp out all spelling and punctuation mistakes at the cost of popularity, self-esteem and mental well-being. Another possible translation: "Angelina Fanous."
13. I got lots of Facebook wall posts and tags, 160-character text messages and 140-character tweets, instagrams and pins, birthday shots and birthday kisses. But, I'm still waiting on a stamped, handwritten card in my mailbox.
14. NPR reported that spandex made us all fat. Crazy, here I thought it was the over-consumption of bacon-wrapped everything served with a side of cheese-stuffed everything followed by chocolate-drowned everything.
15. Brunch is the best portmanteau.
16. Unemployment let me catch up on the really important things in life: shampooing my makeup brushes and contemplating my self-worth.
17. My favorite restaurants in New York City all received a "B" for their health inspection grade. I'm not sure what this says about me.
18. I used to eat guavas for a man selling them out of a sack on a donkey in Egypt. No, I will not "properly" wash my supermarket-bought vegetables.
19. I don't know how I feel about the Egyptian revolution. There, I said it. If my family stayed in Egypt, I probably wouldn't have been a revolutionary.
20. There is something really sexy about the falafel delivery guy and I think it's that he brings me falafel.
21. The only thing I ever have planned is my next meal.
22. I lead a lush life, and the only thing I would change about that is the alliteration.
23. The only good thing that comes from pouring your dinner and tears into the toilet bowl is material for an ironically titled twitter account, "Classy Girl Moves." Of course, if you're pouring your dinner and tears into a toilet bowl, you're too hungover for such brilliant projects.
24. If he's just not that into you, there are always more ogres in the cave (via Kelle).
25. Is "awkward and quirky" really the new it-girl? When did this become the trend? This couldn't have happened with I was getting teased in 8th grade English class?
26. I love me. If I don't love me, who will?
27. I even like my candy butter-flavored.
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